Making it up as we go along

This one could be titled the morning after the night before, and it's fairly self explanatory ;-)



It was taken shortly after dd arrived back from her friends, the morning after ds was born (at home). Yes, I'm looking smug and I was incredibly happy - the birth had gone about as well as it could have done, and dd was thrilled to meet her little brother finally.

Now, what I've got to do is work on recapturing how happy we all were then I think.

That's a good one to try to explain - not sure that I managed. Dd did very well at the party, even if she stressed me out majorly while we were trying to get ready. I don't understand why asking her to do something means that we have to have the flounce and the sighing and general performance over what a *huge* favour she is doing me - which seems ironic when what I'm asking is something like - get dressed.

But there you go. We were only half an hour late :-(

and home again now, cooking tea, dp has departed for his family funeral, so it's just me and the kids tonight. I'm in a lot of pain with one of my breasts - have been for about three weeks now - and not really in best form to say the least, so I'm hoping for a quiet evening. The jackets are nearly done now, so I'd better go sort out plates and beans.

A bit of a journey to the birthday party of a home edded friend (coo-ee!) - carefully checked out the route because of the snow, and then discovered that the road I'd chosen to use is now blocked off - no through access. Curses, foiled again!

But we were only a little late, and all the little pink ppl had a whale (wail? Seems more appropriate) of a time, and the parents are all nice ppl too, so we enjoyed ourselves as well.

Journey back was fine (managed to find a clear route without road closures!), both children slept most of the way. Then fed them, dp fed, and I'm pottering in and out of the kitchen, cooking up broccoli to freeze for ds, trying to chargrill myself some peppers to stuff (how long are they supposed to take?!) and washing up and catching up on blogs. You know. The multi-tasking mom. (How's that for a blog name for anyone who needs one? ;-) )

Tomorrow we've another party, and dp has to go down the country to a family funeral, so may not be much blogging til I've got at least one sprog in bed.

Didn't get to bed til 1am, then ds started screaming at 2.53 (according to dp who looked at the clock!) Took over an hour and a half to settle him down - even tried calpol, most of which ended up in my hair!

Didn't surface til gone 10, and still feel rough now. Dd back from her night out and thrilled to see me, which was even more difficult as feeling fairly terrible just now.

Started the day with my second life coaching session, which I'm finding really useful. Then staggered around trying to do things like washing ineffectively and so on.

This aft searched high and low for the car insurance documents, then did post office for car tax, library, and dropped dd off at her friends house for a sleepover.

Ds is being a little so and so tonight - went rootling for breast, then looked up at me - and very deliberately bit me. So put him on the floor where he yelled for about 10 seconds then went back to playing and I came in to the computer to shed a tear or two of pain and frustration and update my blog. Therapy you know.

Busy weekend ahead, so blogging might be a bit low.

Let's see - got up to find email from a friend suggesting we meet up in the morning, so called them and they came over. Girls did sand art piccies, and worked well together, while ds rolled around the floor, and other little boy desperately tried to join in with the girls, but didn't quite manage it.

quick lunch so that friends could get off to their next appt, then slumped for an hour or two, before dashing off for my physio appt. It's really made a difference to my back and hip, and the physio is really impressed with my progress - she's given me exercises to mobilise my neural net (I quote) that she won't do herself - although I'm not sure if that's good or not!

Then quickly off to dd's second dance class - if you'd seen the first one, you really wouldn't have thought this was the same child. Got her changed in the dark in the changing room (apparently the lights are on a timer, which has been reset now that the evenings are lighter, hm) - she's got nearly all the kit now, just missing the cardigan really, and as we got changed discovered that the dance tights are footless ones. So she kept her stripy socks on with the tights as well ;-)

Took her upstairs to the studio, and she went trotting in. Tried to get the attention of the member of staff to point out that it was only her second lesson, and that I'd be right downstairs (parents are supposed to wait in the changing room if they decide to wait at all) if they needed me, but they didn't really seem to click with it. Figured that I'd be able to hear her if she really needed me though and went off back downstairs - she didn't even look back at me!

So sat in the changing room feeding ds and watching all these other women, none of whom spoke to me, even when I tried speaking to them :-( and thought that one day dd had better appreciate what I'm going through for her here! I hated it! But I did it...

Home, food, tea, bath, bed - no sadly that was dd and not me...although as you can see ds went to bed at a reasonable time and slept well.

Obviously had too much sleep - instead of putting on the clothes to rinse that had been sat in the washing machine since yesterday, I put them on for a 60 degree plus prewash! Eek, anyone for really small socks???

He slept for 10 hours straight!

Yippee, happy happy, sleep sleep.....

Now all we've got to do is sort out the little accidents from the other room (so no, I didn't get to bed right after I blogged) and we'll have night times cracked!

but there is the outside chance that the sleep program is working - ds is upstairs asleep before midnight! So I'm off too - everyone keep your fingers crossed for a reasonable night, please...

let's see - hauled myself out of bed and got us all dressed and fed and out to the bank, arriving only 15 minutes for our ten o'clock appt. So given that we were late - why did the bloke keep us waiting? :-(

Anyway, dd did very well throughout - drew a couple of pictures - coped with the bloke repeatedly calling her a dipstick (why are ppl rude to children? And can't help feeling that I should be able to stop ppl doing it - but never know how). Bit that confused me was when she signed her name as she usually does - but mirrored. Now I couldn't do that if tried! Did at least mean she got s the right wat round for once ;-)

I confess that I had bribed dd with the offer of a trip to M*hell if she was good during the bank so duly off we went. Sticky moment when I refused pointblank to go to McDs - I try to minimise our visit there, and just for once I wanted to eat somewhere nice. But the ultimatum of restaurant or home worked, and once she discovered that she could still have chicken nuggets and chips all was sweetness and light again. Then a bonus for her, if not for my credit card - new shoes required! Well, she has had the last pair since October, so we've got reasonable value out of them.

Also took her to the softplay area and gave her half an hour - trying to run off a bit of energy. Didn't count on the fact that the softplay is opposite Stationery Box, and they've got laminators and paper trimmers on sale...

I resisted the temptation - not quite sure how. Something to do with not having anywhere to put anything until I do some serious decluttering! Ebay here I come...

Tonight was our first woodcraft folk meeting - found the place fine, and then did three u-turns trying to find somewhere to park! Thoroughly enjoyed the evening - dd warmed up nicely just as it was time to go! - and also met another couple of home edding families, so will be going to other local meets soon (they meet weekly - marvellous!)

All in all, a very good day.

and could I find a recipe? Oh yes, for Canadian buttermilk pancakes, or blinis, or all sorts of thing *except* nice, ordinary, pancakes. Grr...

but we got there in the end.

Other things today - went to breastfeeding group at the local surestart centre - had a long chat with one of the midwives about how to shift ds's sleep patterns, so from today, making lunch into his main meal. Worth a shot anyway. Dd got to play in their soft play bit and with the home corner, and in the sensory room, so I think she more or less enjoyed it. popped into Lidl on the way home and they had a half price sale on fresh fruit and veg, so now I've got a fridge full of healthy food. Good stuff.

got home to messages from the bank (got a financial review tomorrow) and the health visitor (can I call next Wednesday - guess I'm not an urgent case then) and we did pancakes.

That's about it really.

A lovely day today, with home edding friends doing lots of planting things. Fell out of bed blearily about 10 ish (although vaguely recollect a phone conversation prior to that about woodcraft folk) and chatted with friend re plans on the phone. Chucked the kids in the car and belted off up to the garden centre, determined to do planty things. Well, i bought strawberry plants the other day, and we need compost, and really wanted to do the potato thing.

So we wandered around the garden centre (who knew there were so many types of compost?? Aargh...ended up with an organic one) and got our seed potatoes (three types, went for Foremost, Home guard and Duke of York, as fairly sure Grandfather said not to go for Epicure and that was the other first early available). Still haven't managed to get suitable tubs, but dp has to go down to see family next week, so if all else fails, will commission Grandfather to get us some tubs like his and go with that.

Got back and friends had arrived before us - togged the elder kiddies up and kicked them out in the garden while I prepared lunch (that had been brought for us, nice one!) After we'd eventually all eaten, we planted sunflower seeds and strawberry plants. The elder children played together pretty well - dd is very bossy, but R pretty much takes it in his stride, so it wasn't too bad.

After mid afternoon snacks we suspended hyacinth bulbs above water in peculiar bulb growing things and the offspring played some more, before friends departed just before tea time.

Does seem we'd pushed it a tiny bit too far though - dd went into complete meltdown while finishing her tea, and ended up being frogmarched upstairs to her bath to chill out, and then pretty much straight to bed. A shame - we'd had a much better day, with very little direct confrontation, so a pity that I let it get out of hand in the evening, but I just didn't spot the signs at all.

Now hopefully ds is getting tired, so I'm about to see if I can persuade him it's bedtime. Night night all.

as after a late night, I didn't surface terribly early, But I feel like I got a reasonable amount done round the house, even if I did occasionally get in between dd and her beloved tv a couple of times.

This afternoon, even though it as snowing slightly, I togged us all up and we went out for a walk. Dd was thrilled to do number spotting again, and seems to be getting the hang of how numbers hang together. Then we cooked tea together which she enjoyed cooking, and then decided that she didn't like to eat. That'll be fishfingers and a waffle then I guess.

Almost got some work done tonight - ds is geting more difficult as he gets older whereas dd was a difficult baby and got easier. Still, keep hoping that one of these nights I might feed him into submission.

I had my life coaching session this morning - good stuff. We made another card - birthday card for a cousin this time. Um, struggling to remember the rest of the day - I know we were about to go out to post aforementioned card when my parents popped in. Dd was thrilled to see them, and they'd brought chocolate and postcards, so that went down well - right up til the point she couldn't find her postcard album.

This evening ds has played quite contentedly on the floor while I've continued getting a bit of work done, and also hacked together the start of the photo tutorial mentioned below. I know it's rough, feedback required to improve it please. Which part of showing piccies on blogs gives ppl problems then?

And other than that, home ed sparked off yet another weird and wonderful conversation - discussing books to read to dd at bedtime (she's almost through The Magic Faraway tree for the second time) we segued (do like that word) into a discussion about the decline of religion versus the rise of fascination with magic - Harry Potter, Buffy, Most Haunted, you name it really. Dp is of the opinion that magic is quick fix - ppl are too lazy to work for something so hope for a magic happening that gives them whatever, while I hold to the opinion that ppl are always looking for something unexplained to believe in, and religion for whatever reason (probably because of the having to be good bit) is going out of fashion and magic a la Charmed is coming in.

I don't think that that summarises it anywhere near well enough, but it was an interesting conversation anyway.

Honest, I haven't really chopped her legs off, it just looks that way.

Tutorial coming soon to Blog pic tutorial (as in in the next ten minutes hopefully).

My ebay purchase of tap shoes (£2.99 inc p+p) arrived this morning - so I now have an extremely thrilled and very pink little girl dancing around the living room, kitted out for her next lesson with everything except the cardi for under £15! Thanks to Ebay and Muddlepuddle - not bad going eh? (I'm watching a couple of cardi's as well...)

Will post piccie here later (and going to write piccie posting tutorial too - any little way to give a little back...)

to let you all know that we're still here.

Not a lot done - my achievements include not throwing the offspring out of the window no matter how whiny they got :-(

Dd is much better, but ds has suffered with this bug today - he slept quite a bit til this evening, when he's been a total monster.

I've also managed finally to bank their Chrimble checks, post thank you cards and buy underbed storage for dd's bedroom. Well, it's a start on re-organising.

Hope to get a bit more done tomorrow.

a quiet day as dd up ill in the night so not at her best today - even had to miss the dance class she's been looking forward to all week :-(

and I managed to get a nap in this afternoon, and ds looks sleepy now so about to clear off, and hope to get some kip tonight.

Otherwise, we've made cards, done housework, and watched tv. Not much learning today.

I have made progress with the doctor though. Told her that I'd rather talk to someone than take tablets, so being referred for that, and also not going to see the hv I saw three years ago - really dydn't click with her and managed to say so, so the doc is going to tactfully make sure one of the new ones contacts me.

right ds asleep so I'm off. Fingers crossed for a quiet night.

to those offering hugs, support, advice and empathy, on and off blog (and even one or two in RL!)

Beware, today's entry is long. Go and get a cup of tea (or something stronger if it takes your fancy) first!

I haven't heard from the doctor, and it won't make much difference if I do - I don't want to take tablets. I understand all the stuff about chemical imbalances and time out to get some things straight - I understand that there may well be things I can take which will have little if any effect on ds, but what I need to do is get through this without doing that.

You know how sometimes your very capable three/ four/ five year old just wants you to do whatever it is for them? It might be putting their coat on, that they've been doing for years or cutting their food anything that you know they can do with their eyes shut (well ok, maybe not cutting their food then), but something today means that they aren't up for it, they need your help. I guess I went to the doctor in that state of mind. I can't do it, I can't manage, do it for me. And the answer was, I can't do that, I can't do it for you, but I can give you some tablets so that you won't care that you can't do it right now. Hm, and maybe I wouldn't. And maybe a few days off from feeling down would be good. But when I looked back, I'd know that I'd chickened out, and I'd be a little bit diminished by that.

So I won't take the tablets. And I got up when ds got up at something past 8 this morning (*why* don't my children know that children need lots of sleep??? You know, 12-14 hours like the kids in the book need?) and I've kept going all day. And I haven't cried once (close this evening when ds wouldn't stop screaming) and I'm pretty shattered, but I'm feeling alright. One day at a time, remember?

So what have we done today? Let's see, managed a bit of housework. Went out to pick up wool bought off Ebay - made it there and back without getting lost (definite pat on the back, I don't do navigation). On the way back spotted a lovely park so gave self mental applause for having given dd a sandwich on the way out even though it was only 11 o'clock at the time, parked up and went and let her play in the park for 25 minutes or so. (Couldn't stay much longer as ds getting cold!) She had a great time, made friends with two little boys who arrived slightly after us, coped admirably well when one of them started kicking her down the slide, made up with him, and really seemed to enjoy it.

Then the farm shop (quick ot, am I the only mug who thought the idea of farmshops was that they sold what they grew? So how come this one was stocking melons, kiwi fruit, 5 types of apples, oranges, satsumas, frozen croissants and jars of pasta sauce?) where we got a lovely basket of fruit, veg and bread for us for £5 and a jar of banana jam for mother as a welcome home prezzie (although I've a good mind to withhold it until the postcards arrive - they'd better have sent postcards!)

Last stop, another garden centre in our quest for the perfect potato and potato growing device. They had a good selection of seed potatoes, but you had to buy a big bag, so I think we'll go back to the other place where you could self-select a plant pot full. Dd rather lost it towards the end of the visit, and got reamed out but good and proper when I caught her sticking her tongue out at the little old ladies in the car next to us as we were leaving. Was impresed when she thought about it for a bit, and then apologised though, and thanked her for it.

Another afternoon of tv watching - somehow energy for activities is low on my priority list. Well, let's call it half term ;-) And when I say an afternoon - it was nearly 2 by the time we got back, so there wasn't that much afternoon left by the time we'd had the second half of lunch. I'm assuming dd is about to grow again - she had three breakfasts, two lunches, mid afternoon snack, and still burst into tears from hunger when I wouldn't let her eat biscuits while her tea was cooking.

Let's see, what else have I been up to? Missed out on a parcel of 400 books on ebay by about 30 seconds and a pound (aargh they went for £41!). Helped out with ppl's blogs and setting up blogring. Made contact with the local woodcraft group - they don't have a woodchip group, but are quite happy for 4 yr olds to attend if parents stay with them, so that's another activity organised for dd. (Nice chat with the volunteer on the phone, told her that dd will be home edded, and that I'm looking for social activities for her, and she says there are three other home edded families who attend the group, so that sounds like a good opportunity to make contacts in the local area. She reckons they have an active network, and as far as I know I'm not in touch with any of them just yet).

Also been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I know, by this age, I really ought to have it sussed. But it has caused me to re-evaluate - did I really value my job so highly that I fall apart when I don't have it? Disregard the money for the moment, do I not have identity apart from being a programmer for a corporation? I wanted to have children and change the world, and if I couldn't do that, I wanted to write. I've got the kids, so maybe it's time to change the world for them. And if not, I'd better write down a few of the stories that have been kicking around my head for a year or two. I used to write. I've even had poems published in the past. I'd like to do it again.

Oh, and another positive note, dd's friend from nursery has been asking after her, so his mum rang tonight to invite dd to a sleepover next week. Then the two kids talked on the phone and it was so funny - they just giggled at each other for ages. Really pleased that they've made contact - I know I should have done, but just hadn't gotten round to it.

OT of this diatribe, dd came out with a corker today - she told dp that she was going to miss him when he died. Nice to know that she'll feel that way, but we can't get to the bottom of why she mentioned it, or what had made her think about it.

Sure there was something else that she said today that I was going to note down, but can't remember it now. Sorry. Not that you're going to miss it in this length of waffle!

I should point out that the following is purely a rant to clear my own head, and is not intended to be derogatory towards anyone suffering pnd, or taking prozac, or indeed having any other life than my own. ;-)

I started the day with a visit to a doctor - a personal injury specialist to investigate any injuries resulting from my car accident last october. Apparently it could be another few months before my wrist is completely normal, although I didn't think there was a problem, and the driving anxiety could take a year to settle down. Hm. I'd started by saying I wasn't sure why I was there, and she confidently told me that we were all just cogs in the machine that takes on a life of its own. Well, that felt empowering.

On the way home we popped into a garden centre to investigate potatoes. Who knew that there were so many kinds? We could buy them by the bag, or by the plantpot full, there was compost at the advised price, but no suitable pots. So we'll try somewhere else tomorrow.

Then I needed to do a bit of work this afternoon, so I caved and let dd open up her leotard (Thanks A!) and watch lots of tv. I didn't get an awful lot done - even with the laptop in the living room, there was still a lot of attention seeking behaviour.

I rounded off the day with a visit to my gp. I've come to the conclusion that bursting into tears several times a day is not the way to be handling life, and that possibly, just possibly, it might be worth talking to the doctor. Hm. Not overly impressed though. All would be well if I were to consider weaning Small (had I thought about how long I was planning to breastfeed?) and a spot of controlled crying to get nighttimes under control. We tried that with dd - twice I think. She threw up within seconds. :-( (They do that, and get over it, apparently). Small has such a temper on him, I think he would be really traumatised by the process. And I'm loath to wean him just to sort out the fact he's nocturnal - besides, breastfeeding feels like the only thing I'm succeeding at at the moment (ignore the intensely painful right breast, which could be mastitis or thrush - would I prefer to try antibiotics or antifungals or both? ur....)

So we wound up with would I like to take fluoxetine - what's that? Prozac - is it safe while breastfeeding? She checked, sure that she'd prescribed it before, but the book said no....so I came away with her promising to call in a day or two, and would I go back in a couple of weeks to say how the tablets are working...

aargh! I don't want tablets! I'm not sure what I want - the occasional hour to do some work without a child either whining in my ear or sleeping on my knee would be nice. But I think that I've got to sort out my head without chemical help - I know that tablets help some ppl, but I'm not one of those ppl. I think it may be time to make a list of what I need to achieve, and just start to achieve it. I'm a capable person - intelligent, educated (hah!) with a not unreasonable amount of life experience, why should redundancy, a car accident, sleep deprivation, a four year old, losing my cat, wondering where our living is going to come from get me down? Let's face it, it would be unreasonable to not be a tad depressed! So we'll go back to taking it one day, one task at a time, and I doubt if I'll go back for the tablets.

Anyone for a beer instead?

clink, clink...

visiting home edding friends.

A very relaxed day - we let the kids play and ignored as much of the yelling and screaming as we could ;-) Actually, they weren't that bad. Dd did pretty well, with only a couple of dramatic collapses on the floor, and I enjoyed spending time with someone who is very understanding of what we're going through - it was great to not have to apologise.

We haven't done an awful lot else today, so that's pretty much it for the blogging I'm afraid.

actually, we made it all the way to the farm park. We were late, but that wasn't much of a surprise, but I didn't tell dd that we were meeting anyone, so that seemed to keep the excitement level down enough for us to get organised and go.

Did mean that when we got there she didn't want to talk to her friend, and basically wasn't overly nice to him at any point in the proceedings. :-(

On the way home in the car she said "I don't want to be me anymore, I want to be Small", which confused me. She had a chat with dp about it, and it was something about wanting to be a boy instead of a girl. I think. Very odd anyway.

Ds is getting a bit heavy for carrying in the sling for any length of time as well - very tired when we got back.

Had a long chat with dp's father tonight about potatoes - planting them in buckets. We're planning on doing that this year, I think it'll be good for dd to have a go at. And I'm quite looking forward to having a go myself.

Still feeling kind of down, but also a bit off colour - having some problems with the breast feeding at the moment, and a bit worried about whether I'm getting complications. Will be keeping an eye on it. Haven't managed to get anything done tonight, but there you go. Out for the day tomorrow, so don't need to have any activities planned anyway.

this is getting silly.

At the moment we are all on top of each other all the time, and at least part of the problem is that we have a perfectly good dining room, somewhere, in here, underneath vast piles of clutter. Anyone for ebay? i wouldn't mind, but at least one of the larger items of clutter has been listed twice with ppl failing to pay for it :-( So do I list it again, or give it up as a bad job and chuck it in the charity bag? Might be easier.

Anyways, we haven't had the best of days, and I can't really put my finger on why. I've burst into tears several times - beginning to wonder if I'm getting hormonal which would explain an awful lot. I slept in - dp brought me tea, I raised my head and said thank you, and went straight back off to sleep again. That always sets us off to a bad start, and today was no different. Dd wanted to play with her ballet stuff, and do her ballet exercises - rather wish I'd taken piccies of her all togged up in her swimming cozzie for a leotard! Then she helped in the kitchen, made her own lunch again - she's getting good at that. After lunch she built some dolls house furniture with dp, which went reasonably well, although the furniture is not of the best standard. And I made her a spindle box (well, ok, button eggbox if we're truthful ;-) ) which she played with for the best part of an hour, which surprised me.

So I don't know why it feels like we've had such a bad day. We are beginning to have little spats between the children - dd feels negative towards me, so she takes it out on ds (which she is *so* going to regret when he's bigger than her in a couple of years, there's a reason why I call him Small) which I find very difficult to deal with. It's rained a lot, so we didn't get out and about, and I think I'm just frayed.

Would love to get some sleep, but ds appears to be well out of synch, he is wide awake just now having had a good couple of hours sleep/ feeding on my lap, and if past nights are anything to go by, he'll keep going strong until about 2am now. Then he'll feed a couple of times during the night and sleep in til about 10 - 10.30, which is OK for him, but dd gets up around 7.30. Not a good match.

Anyways, not a lot I can do about it just now. :-(

are the best!

My set arrived from America this morning, and they are wonderful, plus they've got loads of activity cards and a handbook. Marvellous. And our opitec order arrived as well, so dd played with the rods on a new tray bought pretty much for that purpose.

We'd already done the paperweaving (incorporating scissor techniques for improving manual dexterity lol) before then. Dd also made her own lunch and did most of the washing up - she really seems to thrive on doing *real* things. An ex work colleague (made redundant at much the same time as me) came round for lunch, which was great, and apart from dd being desperate to be a part of the conversation she did very well throughout. So when friend had gone, I chucked the kids in the car and we tootled off to m*hell to shop for dancewear. Suffice it to say that I wasn't about to spend the £45 the dance school wanted. We got shoes and tights and looked in every shop that could possibly have leotards - only one did, and they weren't the uniform type. :-(

But dd coped very well with the disappointment ;-) and we'd had a pretty good day all round I'd say. Plus dp has finished the dozen eggs, so I'm about to make a variation on a spindle box for use tomorrow. In between going to local town in search of leotards methinks. Sigh.

*Rant alert*
so what are sports shops for? Anyone ever thought that the current obesity epidemic that we hear so much about might be fixed if ppl actually did sports instead of just wearing fashionable tracksuits to drive to the gym? Eh?

I mean, I lost track of how many shops we went in. i could have bought adidas trainers for ds (ignore the fact he can't walk yet!) or pink tracksuits for dd, or any number of fitted gym outfits for myself but leotards? Apparently not sport. So no one does gym or dance, but lots of ppl play in the England football team it would appear.
*/rant over*

I've spent the evening making materials - what precisely do I do with the number square? Anyone? lol. We've got more hama letters, we've got paper weaving, we've a number square, a questionnaire about our holidays, books to read, ppl coming over and I am prepared. So even if I get no sleep tonight (as is looking rather possible right now :-( ) I have activities coming out of my ears and we *will* have a better day.

Nothing like a positive attitude anyway.

went from bad to worse. It took 2 1/2 hours to eat her lunch. usually I try to be laid back about food, figuring that stressing about it is probably the quickest way to eating problems. But I hate waste, and she had made the sandwiches herself, so I really thought that she should make some effort to eat them.

And she broke Barbie baby's bottle, which means that the doll won't stop crying...

The first dance lesson was about as much of a disaster as I expected. I felt incredibly out of place amongst the proud parents of all these pink children (we found a school with a pink uniform of course), and dd didn't want to dance without the right clothes/ shoes. But given that the outfit including shoes comes to a whopping £45 I felt that we should see if she enjoyed it first. I think we'll compromise on ballet shoes for next week, as there was no way that she could dance ballet in her street shoes (they worked pretty well for tap though). She clung and whined, and refused to join in and eventually did a couple of minutes here and there, and when I'd had enough (after 40 minutes of the 45 minute lesson) she threw a mega tantrum when I went to leave. Oh all those pitying eyes turned upon us!

Actually, I didn't really care. I figured it we left a little early, it might leave her wanting more IYSWIM, and sure enough, the tantrum was that she wanted to stay and was coming back next week. The lady taking the money was very understanding - she didn't like it then? Oh she loved it, she's crying because we're leaving. She'd never seen that before apparently.

So, do I really have such an unusual child? I read The Highly sensitive child during camp, and there are parts of it that could be a blow for blow description of what we have going on (the wonky socks, just warming up to an activity as it's over) but I kind of take that as read. I know that I didn't behave like that, but I know that there are some things that hurt me deeply - and why do I burst into tears if I try to compliment someone?

Anyway, the printer has spontaneously combusted, so must go upstairs and press buttons. Maybe more after I've hama-ed some more letters.

Doesn't matter how well I've got it planned if I've had no sleep!

So so far today we've had two rows, one successful hama session, two broken hama boards (aargh...) and a desperate need to go and cry in a corner. Trying and trying to sort out the templates to make more hama letters and keep getting the sizing all wrong (and if I wasn't so tired that wouldn't be a problem, but I wasted my whole hour and all I have to show for it are lots of bits of paper with letters the wrong size!), but dd did another car with the larger size beads (discovered we only have the car shaped board (thought we had a square one) so difficult to do anything much else. Dd tried to clip two of the smaller boards together and contrived to snap off 11 of the little pegs (double aargh) and I've just realised that part of the problem is that I forgot to have breakfast.

So I think the next activity had better be lunch...

It does work better when I've got a plan. For those of you overwhelmed at my activity level I should correct the impression that we have an educational goal per hour - that's not it at all. I just meant that each hour I have either an activity planned or a task to do, and they don't have to take an hour by any stretch of the imagination. It's just so that when dd starts to bounce off the walls I don't have to think of what we're doing next, I've already got a plan.

So today, we started with sandart. Very fiddly, but very satisfying and took positively ages to do (which is good, trust me, this is good). Then it was housework and dd wanted to do the washing up, so that was fine by me too. Lunch - she made her own sandwiches again, then played with ds while I hoovered. Given that ds is now navigating his way around the room (rolling, not crawling) it seemed like a thorough spring clean was in order.

We also made a suncatcher from a kit I'd picked up cheaply at hobbycraft, and she spent time playing with her dolls, and with a wipe clean colouring book. That did involve some pattern work - interested to see that she didn't even have to think about pattern series, just came up with the answer as soon as I'd read her the question.

We finished the day with baby yoga and then a small amount of tv before bed, and I've celebrated by spending the entire evening playing with a webring system. Think I've more or less figured it out, but I haven't had any chance to work on the styles yet.

has been rather better though.

I crawled out of my pit and launched straight into montesori lessons on letters a and b. That's probably not how you're supposed to do it, but the important thing as far as I was concerned was to be doing an activity. And dd was thrilled with her bright pink letters - gotta do some more tonight.

We then had a bit of a prob with a postcard she wanted to write. She dictated what she wanted to put and started copying it, then got herself incredibly stressed when she somehow skipped a line mid word and it all went horribly wrong. Took about an hour for us to get just her name on the card (she didn't want to throw it away, she'd used pen so it wouldn't rub out, and I, most unreasonably, refused to go back to Scotland to get another one lol), then we walked round to the post office to post it. On the way back we looked for numbers - mainly on houses - dd knows her numerals, and her numbers up to about 80, but doesn't recognise them past 10 - guess I need to look at the best ways to work with numbers. (Do I need to do anything specific, or will games like todays be enough? I'm not sure I've got the courage to be a complete unschooler!)

When we got back it was lunch time - dd made her own jam sandwich. After lunch we did a light experiment (that's an experiment about light, not one that isn't heavy!). We drew a circle, divided it into 7 segments, coloured it the colours of the rainbow (which was fun, I mean, who has indigo crayons?), inserted a short sharp pencil and hey presto, the rainbow merges back into white. Well, we liked it anyway.

Then there was the washing to sort out, then we baked. Ok, so it was packet cookies, but dd loved it anyway. Beginning to get a bit hyper by the evening - really need to sort out some physical activities, oh that's right I've booked a dance class starting on Thurs. maybe I can pull this thing together after all.

Funny thing is, asked dd tonight before she went to bed what were her favourite bits of the day and she said the washing and the baking. So all the amazing stuff that I rigged and maybe all I need to do is have her do the housework for me. With me, I mean with me. Honest. ;-)

Time to go get some food. And investigate web rings.

was not a good day.

Dd has what one might describe as a few issues with attitude at the moment. It's probably a normal phase for a just four year old, but given that she is very able verbally, perhaps she expresses it a little more forcefully and elegantly than most. Or maybe she's just being horrid. :-( Anyway, we had talkback, contradictions, shouting, refusal to co-operate, and the time kept slipping back and we were getting later and later for our playdate at the park.

Eventually we had complete meltdown, from both of us - not good at all. Dp sallied forth from his office, where he had manfully been attempting to ignore the ruckus and work (one of us has got to make a living somehow!) and suggested that I go out without her as I needed a break. In my ultimate wisdom I decided that no, I would take her. And so we went out to the car. And five minutes later I brought her back in in absolute hysterics having thrown a major major tantrum over her socks being wrinkled under her wellies.

I left her with dp, and legged it to M*hell for a quiet cuppa with ds, who was an angel (perhaps realising that mummy was in no fit state to cope with anything else!)

So last night, I came to some realisations. Dd needs some structure to her days, and so do I. So I planned some activitites. Not a rigid structure - I figured if I set a goal for each hour of the day, so that I never had to think, what next, that would be sufficient. Which was why I was sitting there with hama beads last night, making letters a- c, for our first activity this morning.

I'll post later on how today is going, but at least I feel better about everything, even if dd is still struggling a little.

dd just discovered the dvd set of the blue planet that we bought for her. Nothing would suffice but that it had to go on immediately and she is absolutely riveted by it now. Wonderful!

And I'm playing with some new tools for my blog - latest addition is blogrolling, which allows me to link to other blogs without editing my template. Result!

The question was "what can I do?" so in a fit of enthusiasm, I sent her off to the bookshelf to grab The Big book of experiments (£6 in a cheapo store some time ago), and we leafed through it. Ended up doing two - one about air that involved a balloon, string, sellotape and a straw, and the other to make rain - kitchen hob, pan of boiling water.

Dd was thrilled with them both, and we're going to write about them later - and I've got something to talk to my sister about tomorrow too!

Also, she seemed to get the ideas behind them pretty well - air goes into the balloon, and when you let go it gets squeezed out "explodes" was how she put it, and pushes the balloon along the string. Watching the rain form on the inside of the pan lid went down very well as well - given that that was yesterdays question. I'm pondering a weather chart so that we can do some recording skills as well - maybe try to get hold off a cheap wall chart that we can put some notes on every day? Or perhaps just put it into our big desk diary, that would probably work too.

Oh, I feel so very virtuous now! lol

Been back most of the afternoon actually, but somehow feeling very flat and not terribly bloggish. This despite the fact that dd started writing herself in her scrapbook tonight - knows what she wants to put and just wants me to spell it out for her. Time for some more Montessori letter work methinks.

Thoroughly enjoyed the week away - didn't think about any of the things that have been bothering me (apart from the one letter to the personal accident ppl about their forms) and I think it's done me the power of good. Feels very strange to be without employment though. Spoke to my now ex-boss this aft, and he tells me that they are now looking for contractors and I should get my name down! Not such a bad idea if they are doing short term contracts - dp could do children things and I could earn loads of money without any responsibilities....worth considering anyway. If I can locate the agency they are using - he told me the name, but I can't find it. :-(

Anyway, dd loved camp, and is already plotting for the next one - don't suppose anyone found ds's new car toy in their stuff though did they? I know it was a cheapo little toy, but it was the one I bought him with his grandma's money....I know, I'm horribly over sentimental. And it might yet turn up - I haven't emptied all the bags yet, so why I'm here on the computer is anyone's guess...better at least go and make the bed - dp stripped it and washed everything while I was away!

Oh, and our gummylump order arrived (wonderful toddler cart!) and dvds of the blue planet. And I think that we might make a timeline, and we've geography things to talk about and tonight dd wanted to know "how does it rain when they make it?" Which turned out to be a question about weather and rain and why do some clouds rain, and others don't and, oh, it made my head hurt, but in a good way!

but dd says she doesn't want to come on holiday and won't eat her lunch.

So we are going to be very late leaving. :-(